Not a fan of the title of this post. but its a work in progress.
Quick rant.
Change REQUIRES movement. talking about stuff doesn’t result in anything. Talk therapy, is talk. You must leave the room, and DO SOMETHING. This is absolutely practical in nature. it’s not romantic. It’s not sexy. It doesn’t make us feel better (at first). It’s very very very simple.
What is the issue? What do you have big feelings about? What is the activity, or the situation, that is causing the trigger? Often this is what is discovered and discussed in therapy rooms. Then we tend to talk about all the things that we could do, or should do. or we will talk about all the ways we can learn to suffer well. And sometimes, that is what needs to happen. But, there are other options that I don’t hear discussed very much.
Actual CHANGE. Change your life. Make a different choice. Take today for example. I going to make an assumption that there are parts of your day you are excited about, or at least “ok” with, and parts of your day you are less excited about, more “meh” about. Then maybe, there are parts, or whole sections, that you are flat out just suffering through. Maybe 8 times out of 10, that part of your life doesn’t end well. Maybe it’s with your kids. Maybe it’s your work. Maybe it’s your marriage or your car, or money or, whatever.
There are 2 ways to deal with this. They are connected, but different.
You have feelings about this. That’s what the issue is. This “thing” (input part of day you hate) is taking from you. demanding from you. Asking you for something. Hurting, or even harming you in some way. It’s doing something to you and you have feelings. Probably big ones. Fear, Hurt, sadness, anger, lonely. Big feelings. Some people only want to deal with the feelings, and this is ok. and often helpful. Let’s talk about it. This is a lot of what I hear in therapy and about therapy. We talk about our feelings and what’s causing our feelings and what to do with our feelings. It’s about pain management. Suffering well. Don’t hear me wrong, this is important. It is good to suffer well. however, there is option 2.
DO something different. This step goes beyond feelings. This step takes your feelings and uses them to compel you to action (anger + another feeling usually). Look at the source of your big feelings. Let’s go with kids because that is what has caused my biggest blow up this week. I know my kids have pushed me this week. I know they have needs and I have needs and this week, those 2 things didn’t line up. one kid went too far, then I exploded and it was ugly. We had some conversations and necessary reparations were made. (Step 1). Then, Emily and I started talking about what needed to be done differently. How do we make sure we don’t get here again? Boundaries. Venting points. Structure. Scheduling. its work. It’s using our brain to make different choices in an effort to protect our hearts, and our kids’ hearts. That is what I mean.
I don’t mean you have to quit your job cause it sucks. But maybe you do. Maybe your wife needs to come home earlier. Maybe you need to get away from that friend group, or that bar, or that website. There are lots of things that we allow in that can cause massive disruption. I’m giving you permission to question these things. Family holidays. Vacations. Budgets. Are you using your life or is it using you.
